Well, isn’t that interesting

Some blogs I read linked to this “I Write Like” analyzer, where you paste in a bunch of text and it tells you what famous writer it sounds like. Of course, I tried it. I thought I’d share some results.

When I pasted in my story “The Other End” (which, holy smokes, you can read here), my results were:

I might mention that I’ve never read anything by Margaret Mitchell.

Okay, so let’s try something easier. How about “A Metaphor,” which is a clear homage to Raymond Chandler and even begins with a quotation from him…

Hm. Okay. I’ve at least read a lot of Palahniuk, so I’m willing to believe it’s rubbed off on my writing somewhat.

But let’s try pasting in the same story, but this time include the actual epigraph from Chandler — which is, by the way, “When in doubt, have a man come through a door with a gun in his hand.”

Ah, there we go. Apparently Raymond Chandler and Chuck Palahniuk are more closely related than I would have thought. Just a few words difference, really.

One more test. I paste in the first few pages of my top secret, heavily guarded, much-rumored-about novel…

Ha! This one’s kind of funny. The book does make what I hope are sly, fancy-pants allusions to Ulysses throughout. However, I don’t think the actual writing style reads anything like Joyce.

So, if this text analyzer can be trusted at all,  it seems I write like a number of famous authors, with a wide variety of styles, some of whom I’ve never actually read.

Or, I’d say, they write like me.

But the main conclusion I can draw from this is: I have spent too much time playing with this thing.

Holy overpriced chapbook, Batman!

I was on Amazon the other day and was looking at the page for Shorter Than Fiction, the chapbook John and I put out a couple years ago. Remember that one? It’s still around.

The reason I mention it is because Amazon isn’t the only one selling it. It is also for sale from some third-party seller. For $25. I repeat, $25.

Keep in mind that this isn’t some rare, out-of-print book. It’s still for sale like any other book on Amazon. It even qualifies for their free shipping deal.

Oh, and it’s $7, which I already thought was kinda steep. In fact, I’ve always given the books out for nothing at readings, and the offer still stands that if you actually want a copy of it (or the newer one, Lemons), let me know and I’ll just mail you one.

So I was a little taken aback by the $25 price tag this sketchy bookseller is putting on it. But then I realized, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the book is worth that much. Maybe this seller read it and recognized the brilliance behind it, the shining literary genius John and I both possess, and are charging what they think it’s truly worth.

So: Thank you, to the people behind the “any-book” seller on Amazon. You are not sketchy or weird or greedy, as I may have once thought. Rather, you are true arbiters of good taste. Your belief in me is inspiring.

Last year by the numbers

For some reason, I feel compelled to summarize some of what happened in MattGallettaLand in 2009 in list-format. I don’t really know why, but here goes. Enjoy.

• 56 books read, according to my LibraryThing account. Though I can think of at least one that I read but didn’t add to LT, so that number may be a little low.
• 42 gallons of beer brewed. You can find photographic evidence of many of the batches on Flickr.
• 3 poems published. One online in Asinine Poetry, and two in the print edition of Zygote in my Coffee.
• 2 fiction pieces published. One in the Catalonian Review, and one on KeepGoing.org.
• 1 poetry chapbook published. Lemons. Kinda mixed feelings about that one.
• 1 fun reading at the UAG Gallery, back in February.
• 1 insane cat adopted. What a great decision that was.

I hope that was enlightening for you all. Oh, I almost forgot:

• 22 thrilling blog posts.

Okay, now I’m done.

The Girl Who Drank Too Much Coffee

I just finished reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, that Swedish mystery/thriller by Stieg Larsson that everyone was raving about last year. Currently, everyone’s raving about the second Larsson book that just came out, The Girl Who Played with Fire.

By “everyone,” I guess I mean the book blogs I read.

Despite all the hype though, or maybe because of it, I didn’t really dig it too much. I don’t think this was just me being a literary fiction snob, either. I’ve been reading a decent amount of mysteries and crime fiction lately, but this one strained my tolerance for cheesiness at times.

For one, the dialogue read pretty stilted to me, though I guess you could blame that on the translator. I’m also thinking of the Lisbeth Salander character, a twenty-something punk girl who can hack into anyone’s computer she chooses (don’t get me started on how computer hackers are treated like magicians in books like this), and of course falls in love with the hero, a middle-aged journalist who never does one unlikable thing throughout the whole kinda-too-long novel.

Mainly, though, I’m thinking about the coffee. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing, or just a quirk of Larsson’s writing, but everyone is drinking coffee in this novel. All the time. Either drinking coffee, or putting on water for coffee, or talking about putting on water for coffee. I’m willing to bet that, on average, the word “coffee” shows up every five pages. Somebody get a Kindle and verify that for me.

And as a coffee fan myself, I’m trying to figure out how they were all preparing the coffee. French press? Moka pot? Drip? Sometimes the coffee seems to appear instantly, and sometimes a person “puts on the water” and then takes a shower while waiting.

And what variety of coffee? When two characters sit down and have a beer together, Larsson specifies that they’re drinking pilseners. But does Mikael Blomkvist enjoy Colombian coffee, or Ethiopian?

Yeah, sure, there was a disappearance of a young girl, and a series of murders, blah blah blah, but this was the mystery that kept me up at night. The coffee.

I examine things

Last month or so, I started writing a column of sorts for examiner.com, this news and entertainment website. I’m still not entirely sure what the point of it is, but I thought I’d link to it anyway.

I’m the official “Albany Literary Scene Examiner” (as they say, that and $2 will buy me a cup of coffee). I’ve been posting short articles and notices about upcoming readings and events in the area, and other news like that.

If you live in the Albany area and want to find out about all things literary in the region, you might find it useful. If you like clicking on sponsored ads, then you’ll definitely like it.

Frank the Vending Machine Serviceman

I picked up this little gem from the free book bin at the library: Frank the Vending Machine Serviceman, by Bob Asherman. 1967. It’s just a little too goofy not to share here.

It’s the inspiring tale of Frank Stephano, high school dropout, who finds a new job at the Automatic Vending Machine Company. We see him drive his truck from place to place, filling vending machines with candy, coffee, and cigarettes. Yes, cigarette vending machines. I think I’ve only seen one of those in my life.

The author must have read a decent amount of Raymond Chandler, judging from the rhythm of some of the writing. Our Frank is a hardboiled, jaded little dropout:

I didn’t know a whole lot about this job. I mean, I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. They may have told me at the agency. I don’t know. I heard the woman say that after they trained you, you could make over $150 a week. And after that I didn’t hear much of anything else, to tell you the truth.

The book was part of McGraw-Hill’s “What Job For Me?” series, which seems to have been aimed at unambitious youngsters like Frank himself. Each chapter even ends with a short quiz, to see if you’ve been paying attention. Some of the other titles in the series:

• Charley the TV Repairman
• Carmen the Beautician
• Betty and Her Typewriter

And my personal favorite:

• John, the Second Best Cook in Town

Seriously, John? If only you’d try just a little bit harder…

Homebrew!

If you’re one of the lucky ones following ye olde twitter, you know I’ve been attempting to brew my own beer these past few months. I’m growing more and more obsessed with the process.

Knowing how fascinated the entire Information Superhighway has been with my efforts, I’ve been taking pictures. Yesterday I finally put some shots up on flickr.

Now you can see me make beer from the comfort and safety of your own home! Which is probably a good place to be since, as you can see in the photo, sometimes the pot boils over and malt extract gets everywhere…